Why Good People Do Bad Things By Debbie Ford
If you have read or watched any of my other content, you know that I am a big fan of Debbie Ford. I read her books The Dark Side of the Light Chasers and Spiritual Divorce. She was well known for being a shadow worker. What this means is that she helped people to overcome their dark sides. Unfortunately, she passed away due to cancer.
However, she left us plenty of great content to read and this book is no exception. This book is especially useful in today’s cancel culture. Society today wants to cancel anyone for saying anything that isn’t politically correct. What this book shows is the people trying to cancel other people are acting from their wounded egos. The people committing the bad acts are also acting from their wounded egos.
The great thing I like about this book is the stories of people’s lives. You realize the bad things that people do, and how they are acting from a wounded place. It enables me to take another look at myself and see where I have done the same or looked past others’ transgressions. I have to be more honest with myself and integrate my darker side better so that I don’t sabotage myself.
My Summary of the book by chapter is below:
Chapter 1 – The Beach Ball Effect
When I first saw the title of this chapter I was wondering what does a beach ball have to do with shadow work, but then I read the chapter. You have to picture yourself trying to hold a beach ball under water. We’ve all tried that at some point in our lives right? It’s not easy to do. The harder you push down; the more likely the beach ball is to pop up back in your face.
Society doesn’t let us tell others our desires like having sex with someone. Therefore we try to hold these desires down until they pop up at the wrong time and the wrong place.
You have to think of people that this has recently happened to like Harvey Weinstein. She also provides an example of Don Imus and Mel Gibson. Both of them said horrific things after building a good public image.
Chapter 2 – The Split
This chapter is about why we do bad things.
It’s not our evolved self that does the bad things; it is our shame based personas.
She speaks a lot about shame based personas in this book. This is a spiritual problem where our ego tries to sabotage us and create a false self. For example, Catholic priests denying themselves sexually and then sexually assaulting children.
In order to combat this, we must admit that human life is not so simple. We can’t be all pure and all good all the time. We must accept our humanity.
She provides an awesome native american story of the a white wolf and a black wolf.
Each of us has a white wolf and black wolf inside of us. Neither wolf always wins. It’s a back and forth. If the white wolf wins, then the black wolf waits around the corner until the black wolf is tired.
Chapter 3 – The Seesaw
It is a mistake to think that we are always the same. We are different people all the time. Many people think that the good resides in them while they project the bad onto others.
You have to realize that there are different sides to yourself and better integrate with them. Counter your bad side with good traits. Observe your actions.
People use food, sex, drugs, excitement, collecting, gossiping and philandering to distract themselves. She goes into more detail about this in the denial chapter.
Chapter 4 – Shame on you.
This chapter is all about how we shame ourselves. Unprocessed shame is what causes us to sabotage our own success. This is because we reach a level of success that we are uncomfortable with because of our past. We think we have to sabotage ourselves.
You must deal with your past first.
Debbie gives an example of a baseball player who earned millions, but then he got arrested and lost it all. I think of Aaron Hernandez. He never dealt with the pain of his father and his mother. His father died early. His mother took the husband of another family member. Then he took his rage out on others.
Pain and shame are the two main catalysts for change in people’s lives. We shun who we are because we are taught as children.
One time her son lied to her, and she hesitated correcting him. She said that lying is bad, but on the other side it would be ok if her son lied to a child predator. There are times where our shadow side is useful – you have to remember this.
The message that you are bad was likely programmed into you thousands of times before you were ten years old.We all internalize this and build a shame body. The shame body is unconscious. This is automated software and you have to replace it.
At some point in our lives, we stop living in the limitless possibilities of our youth and come face to face with our programming which is our limiting,shame self.
There is healthy and unhealthy shame. Healthy shame lets us know that we are operating in the bounds of our own integrity.
Our feelings of shame are the source of all forms of self sabotage. We are oftentimes scared of being bad and great at the same time.
Chapter 5 – The Fallout of Fear
When we realize that we won’t be loved for being our authentic self, we begin our pain-filled journey of covering it up. All of us have this fear. Without fear there would be no shame or wounded ego.
We turn away from our imperfections because we believe they are bad, dirty, or otherwise unacceptable.
We try to disown them. By denying these sides of ourselves, we disown the totality of our humanity.
Fear-based thoughts cause us to act out with toxic emotions.
The toxic emotions that she discusses are:
1. Hurt – Hurt carries great lessons with it. When we are hurt, we try to hurt others.
2. Hopelessness
3. Sadness
4. Anger – Many of us live in denial of how much anger we are holding onto.
5. Jealousy – Outward projection of our inner insecurities.
6. Hate – Usually marked by past abuse or neglect.
Chapter 6 – The Ego Gone Bad
This chapter highlights the differences between our wounded ego and our regular ego.
Our ego supports us when it is functioning properly. It helps us asserts ourselves and set boundaries.
A healthy ego provides you with the drive to go to college to get a good job and climb the corporate ladder. The wounded ego realizes that there are other on the same path and tells you that maybe you don’t have what it takes.
The wounded ego screams loudly when it is ignored. The wounded ego strives to prove that we are unique and self sabotages. Because the ego feels incomplete, it is constantly comparing and assessing how it is doing. If you are constantly comparing yourself to others, this is likely your wounded ego.
The wounded ego is less than its divine counterpart. Our higher self is whole and complete. Try to connect with your higher self to make better changes in your life.
Chapter 7 – Cracking the code of the false self
This chapter is about how we create a false self and how it drains us. The more shame we felt as a child the more separated we are from our true essence.
The author provides a story about how smart her sister was. She felt stupid compared to her. Debbie wrapped herself up in a facade of arrogance to compensate.
We all do the same thing. We begin the life draining process of trying to be someone other than who we really are. We develop the opposite attribute of the trauma you experienced. If you were ignored as a child, you probably developed an attention seeking persona.We build the opposite trait or the trait that we think will bring us love. They might seem like a mask but they soon become a prison.
Then she lists a bunch of common shame statements that people might say for example:
My shame is that I’m damaged – a loser. I cover it up by being a corporate trainer and motivational speaker.
Chapter 8 – The Masks
This chapter is all about the masks that we wear.
The identity of our masks is usually tattooed on us – meaning that other people can see it. If we are afraid of abandonment, we often wear a mask of the victim.
The mask we wear often depends on whether we categorize ourselves as a victim or victimizer. She also labels this as predator vs. Prey.
Predator types step over boundaries and seek control. They don’t take action unless there is payoff for themselves. Predator and prey often camouflage as the opposite type. She provides an example of a guy who cheated on his girlfriend in his personal life, so he was a nice guy in his professional life.
Then she provides examples of the types of masks:
1. The Seductress
2. The Charmer
3. The People Pleaser
4. The Bully
5. The Quiet Snake
6. Too Cool
7. The Martyr
8. The Good Girl
9. The Nice Guy
10. The Tough Guy or Tough Cookie
11. The Abuser
12. Eternal Optimist
13. Intellect
14. The Savior
15. The Depressive
16. The Jokester
17. The Entitled Supporter
18. The Loner
19. The Victim
20. The Overachiever
Each one of these has their own challenges and antidotes that she provides in the book so makes sure to read the book. If you keep your mask on, you will keep entering relationships that aren’t good for you or you’ll spend money that you don’t have.
Chapter 9 – Waking Up From Denial
Debbie says that denial numbs us from feeling our tough feelings and that we all have this feature built into our psyche.
Denial also blinds us from seeing our own destructive nature.
There are 3 actions of denial.
1. Hide
2. Justify
3. Dismiss it
Then she tells a story about this lady whose husband emptied out her bank account. He was living a double life. She was in denial about his character.
She also provides examples of the voice of denial that you might be hearing in your own head:
1. I’ll deal with this later
2. I have everything under control
3. I don’t have time
She then provides examples of denial like Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson was a grown man asking young children to sleep with him. Michael Jackson and parents of the children who slept with him had to be in denial for that to occur.
We need to confront ourselves and others when they aren’t acting appropriately otherwise things might escalate and people will get harmed.
Martin Luther King Jr. is an example of someone who did this.
She makes a good point in this chapter that we put people behind bars for physical abuse. If we did the same for emotional abuse, many of us would be behind bars for abusing ourselves.
Chapter 10 – Healing the Split
This chapter is about the split between our wounded ego and our higher self. Both these sides of ourselves need to be reunited.
The healing process for the victim and the victimizer is the same. You must bring love and compassion of your higher self to both the dark side and light side of yourself. The higher self is more capable of doing this because it has the capability of seeing through spiritual eyes and healing the wounded self.
The reality is that duality is central to our human nature.
There are 7 patterns to self destruction
1. Guardedness
2. Greed
3. Arrogance
4. Intolerance
5. Self Absorption
6. Stubbornness
7. Deceit
The opposite of these patterns are the patterns to healing. They are called the antidotes. When any of these seven states dominates our inner world we will most likely begin to act out.
The antidotes are:
1. Vulnerability
2. Generosity
3. Humility
4. Compassion
5. Being of Service
6. Willingness
7. Integrity
Chapter 11 – The Strength Of Forgiveness
Love is the answer no matter what the question. We must learn to forgive ourselves for our imperfections. We also must heal our anger for god. Many people blame god for things going bad in their lives.
She also mentions this story about a seminar where she used to bring a doll and smash it against a chair until it fell apart. She would tell the participants that none of us would do that to a child so why do we do it to ourselves. We must forgive ourselves for the bad things we did to others first.
You will create blocks to your success if you do not forgive yourself and others. You will hold onto resentments.
Until we forgive, we will continue to punish ourselves. Have you ever heard the saying that the guilty seek punishment. The guilt we feel in our subconscious registers whether we know it or not. We try to pretend that the bad things we do don’t matter, but they do. You must forgive in order to stop punishing yourself.
Chapter 12 – Returning To Love
Like the author said before, we can heal anything with love.
Do you really want to let the incidents of your past rule your future. All of us are imperfect.
Then she gives an example of how her dark side benefits her:
Her addiction brought her to her knees
Her fear of being lazy gives her drive.
It’s her vanity that dresses her in the morning.
Her fear of being a negligent parent that allows her to be a good parent and show up for her kids.
It is her greed that leads her to work.
